8 Things Never To Say to ADOPTIVE FAMILIES

FAMILY TIPS

Adoptive families hear lots of things from friends and strangers. But many remarks and questions make these families uncomfortable, even if you don't mean to be intrusive. People unfamiliar with adoption may think they're showing interest or support by asking questions. But some comments can be upsetting or damaging to families. Here are the top eight things you should avoid bringing up, what you can say instead and when to keep quiet.

1. Which one is your real child?

This question is a button-pusher for many families with both adoptive and biological children. This question sends the message that the only authentic way to form a family is biologically. Not that it's appropriate to ask if the adopted child isn't present, but it's worse if you ask in front of her; the comment makes it sound as if she's less important than the other family members. The term 'real' is absurd, as if my daughter is a 'pretend' or 'fake' child. Stay away from this question, no matter how curious you are.

2. He's so lucky to have been adopted by you

Even if you're trying to compliment an adoptive parent, you're implying she “rescued” the child or that adoption is an act of charity. The statement also discounts what the child's given up. Adoption involves loss, it's the loss of the child's first family, familiar surroundings, rituals, routines and often the birth country, culture and language. To say he's 'lucky' invalidates his experiences and feelings. A better approach: Say something like, what a wonderful family you are.

3. How much did it cost to adopt?

People often ask this insensitive question, which makes parents cringe. It sounds like you're referring to the child as a purchase. In addition, it's incredibly invasive. Yes, there are fees associated with adoption, as there are with childbirth. If you're considering adopting, ask, Can you please refer me to organisations or classes where we can learn more about adoption? instead of requesting personal financial details. If you're not looking into adoption, steer clear of this question altogether.

4. You'll probably get pregnant now that you've adopted

First of all, The comment makes it seem as if this child is not as valuable as a biological child or that the family is somehow 'settling' for this child. Secondly, it assumes all families adopt due to infertility issues, which isn't at all the case. Instead of speaking about the child as if she's second-best, celebrate the joy the family feels about having a new family member. A simple “Congratulations!” is all that's necessary.

5. Why was she given up?

This question has many variations, including “What do you know about her background?” or “What happened to his birth mum?” In any form, they're intensely personal and usually not something families wish to share with anyone. Think of it as similar to being asked in what position you conceived your child, there's a chance the family doesn't know the answer to your question, and asking them puts them in an awkward position. Bottom line: This is not one to ask, ever. “It's my son's story, not mine. We shouldn't expect children's stories to be a matter of public record.”

6. Are your children siblings?

The unspoken message is that there's a difference between adoptive and biological siblings, My children are obviously brother and sister because we adopted them both. Another reason not to ask this: Again, the child's background is his or her story and doesn't have to be shared with everyone. Instead of concentrating on a topic that's truly not your business, offer a genuine compliment such as, “Your children are so well-mannered.”

7. What if she searches for her real parents?

This kind of question perpetuates the myth that adoptive families are only 'babysitting' until their children locate their biological parents. It also reveals a misunderstanding about adoption today—it's not the closed system it was in decades past. “Many people don't realise that the days are gone when families wouldn't tell a child she was adopted, as if it were something to be ashamed of. Though there's less of a stigma about being adopted, it's still best to avoid this question.

8. Why did you choose international adoption when there are so many children who need homes here?

Asking parents to justify how a beloved child came to be theirs is hurtful. There are children all over the world who need families. No child is more deserving of a family than another, regardless of where he or she was born. Avoid these judgmental remarks, and focus on the happiness the child brings, rather than her birthplace.